AS I SMILE IN DISTRESS, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY............

As I sit here, thinking about everything that had happened in the past few days, I can do nothing but flinch with a smile. A smile full of grief and rage, blended with confusion. Up on all the things that had happened; those that rushed past the alley of rights and wrongs. Things I would have once cared only less about. Things that once were merely a mean of entertainment in my life. A simple gossip, which once I would have given my bear ear’s to.

But as I sit here, sticking my nose into the TV screen and continuously visiting all the news websites that I could conquer, I couldn’t help the anticipation that grew in my heart. The numbness in my fingers as I scrolled down the mouse, paying no attention to anything but the pictures and the hurdle of words under them. The soggy eyes, which would occasionally scan the faces of my family members looking for nothing but assurance in them. Assurance that things are gonna get back to the way they were, like none of this ever happened. Like everything that is happening is nothing but a nightmare. A nightmare which I would initially forget on the crack of the next dawn. Except, it would never be.

 As I look at my Gran, I could see her sharing the same anticipation as me. Her wrinkled face, slowly draining color. Her lips pursed into a tight smile. A smile, which clearly meant that she was not happy. And I could understand why? Nobody wanted history repeating itself. Nobody wanted to feel the same bitter feelings, as they had that one time when our island was evacuated. Yes, our island; Havaru Thinadhoo.

When I gaze at my Mom, I could feel the same numbness on her face. Her face, baring nothing less than a glint of fear in her eyes. Fear for her Son who might get injured in all the hassle. Fear, for those relatives who might turn out to be the next victim of someone else’s wrong do’s. Fear of seeing us, our island, the way she would have heard a gazillion times in stories like I did when I was small. Yes, the story of us; the people of Havaru.

"I remember coming early to the class just to watch the beautiful
cats sleeping and walking on the roof and watching that same roof
over and over again every day and still finding it mesmerising."

While I peek as my younger Siblings and Cousins, I could notice nothing but their soggy eyes. Eyes, ever so confused like mine. Eyes, so innocent and full of life. Eyes that appeared so fragile that the pictures that continuously displayed on the screens somehow seemed to hurt them. The kind of hurt that I have witnessed in the eyes of people who talked about the tragedy, that still seemed to linger in the same air that we breathe every day. Yes, the tragedy that had happened to our ancestors; the elder generation of Havaru.

But sitting here, I can do nothing. Nothing which would make things all right. Nothing that would bring a smile on my Gran’s face. A smile which would stretch so big, that all the wrinkles on her face would tug under her not so visible eye bags. A smile, which would show her crooked yellow teeth, but yet make her  the prettiest women in the world.  

Then again, I would never be able to make things back to what my Mom would call normal. As I could never make the fear in her eyes vanish like a gush of wind that sweeps of the dust. Dust, that rests on her favorite rose plant that she bought recently and clearly restricted me not to go anywhere near. For the sake of my hands that loved to mooch the flowers and leaves of the plants.

And whilst, I had no answers to the questions that remain as lumps in back of the throats of my Siblings and Cousins or the notorious Monsters as I would call them, it is no use to even assume that I could ever hear them planning for the next bicycle race they would have. Nor I would hear them getting overly excited about my sister treating them, the awe so colorful drinks that you can get at the nearest Jogo place when they win a simple game of scrabble.

Now, as I end this little cluster of words that I aimlessly leave here, I could do nothing but smile. A smile that is so full of grief and rage. A smile blended with confusion. A smile that quite leaves a burden on my shoulders. Burden of not knowing whom to blame and point my numb fingers at. Burden of not knowing the facts that were true, rather than what the tiny voice inside my head wanted me to believe. Burden……

So whoever was/were or rather is/are behind all this, I hope you’re happy. I hope your Gran’s are smiling. I hope your mother’s don’t have to worry about her Son. I hope your siblings and cosines feel safe to go out of their house. Yes, I sincerely hope all this for your loved ones as I could wish nothing but the same for all the people I love too. And while I sit hear smiling in distress, I hope your happy.......