3 MONTHS & 17 DAYS

I remember you

I remember the time we first met

You were the complete opposite of me

Always so calm, collected and focused

You showed me hope and promised of escape

Vowing to care for me, when no one else would

And you did indeed

The harder I cried, the more determined you were

The louder I screamed, the harder you worked

The longer I tried to shut you out, the easier you found your way back in

And despite the fact that you hurt me, suppressed me or overpowered me

You were the one, the only one who understood my curious dependency

 I still dream of you

I dream of our nights in

The times I have let you shred my skin piece by piece

Then watch beads of scarlet drip off my brown skin

That beautiful red colour that I'm addicted to

Moments as such, where I knew I was in love with you

 But you deceived me

The same hands that’s once led with caution

Soon drove with purpose and comprehension

You became stronger, angrier and all the more reckless

Demanding time and attention I could hardly devote

Reminding me of the same hope and escape that never failed to drew me in

 You God damned bastard

I begged you for mercy, cries of which you paid no heed to

Night after night, you were there, touching my arms, my legs

Making sure I was doing it right, that I don’t mess up

And when I did, you would punish me by disclosing glimpses of what you did

Shoving in my face that nobody cared enough to give a fuck

I mastered the art

You trained me so damn well

The art of laughter, plastic smiles and compulsive lies

You taught me not to bat my lashes every time someone cried for help

And to put in the headphones as soon as someone opened their blistered little mouth

It was you who distorted my reality, you who blinded my vision

 Now, 3 months and 17 days clean

Here I am

Hoping to survive one more day without you