Saturday, June 14

A LETTER THAT WILL NEVER BE READ


Dear Mother,

As I attempt to write this letter to you I am very well aware that you won't read it. To be honest that’s both a relief and a disappointment. Mainly because I know that I won't be able to express half of these feelings ever. Not even in million space years. Yes, I am finally admitting it, mom. Your daughter, the always saying the harsh truth in everyone's face person is not so blunt and upfront as you might think she is.  But that is not the point of writing this letter. 

Mom, I know that you still think I'm very naïve. You never forget to remind that just like I don’t forget to bring up the fact that I won't be a teenager from this year on in every single conversation we have. And deep down I know that you are very well aware of it. May be more aware of it than I might ever be. Are you scared that I might make horrible decisions as an non- teen? Is that why you feel the need to constantly remind me how I need to be more responsible? Is it the reason why you constantly snoop into my life? I know that I haven't been super cool about all the curfew's that you have set up for me. I never liked being constrained. Oh God! Was it a test you deliberately set up to see how much more mature I am now? And much to your dismay I have failed it, haven't I? I should have known better.

Mom, do you remember that one time I cried in 9th grade because I failed that stupid Islam test. And how we were both sitting in front of that grumpy teacher who kept on saying that I was wasting so much potential and how I was doomed based on a 15 mark exam. Trying to pretend like she cared even a bit about my jeopardized future when all she all she wanted to do was mock the fact that a student in a leadership position was a failure. I still remember how on reaching home my siblings made fun of me for being such a cry baby and how you told them that the reason I cried was because it mattered to me. That you were glad that I was sad for a bad grade unlike many children who might not even bother. And I adore you for the fact that you still tease me with that incident every time you want to nag me to study in an indirect way. You know that it ticks me. And I thank you for it.

Mom, while you do not realize how utterly brave your daughter is, I sincerely believe that I got that trait from you. Not that Dad is any less brave or anything. From you I learnt how important it is to stand up for my own beliefs and not to give up even when hurdles get higher than the limit of the skies. I kept my head held high up in front of all those bullies, I stuck to morals when all my friends told me to do otherwise, I faced my fears when all of the molecules in my body directed me to the path of comfort. I was stubborn as hell,  but never a chicken. I still remember that day when our class was held back after school for causing too much mischief in grade 10 and how one guy in the class told how he would make my life so miserable that it would be hard for me to walk on the road for busting their plan. I could never forget how you told him to screw off and not to even a lay a single finger on your daughter. I had to literally make you stop saying anything further. You might think that I was embarrassed by you. I was anything but embarrassed. In fact, it kinda felt good to let someone else fight my battles even for a moment.  Even though your fierce dragon-ish act caused all the more trouble for me, I never once blamed you. Just so you know almost everybody present that day thought you were one hell of a lady. And for your information that jerk-hole who threatened me that day asked me out and I refused. Twice! (Burrrrn!!)

Mom, I know that I had disappointed you infinite times. And I cannot apologize enough for all the times I have let you down. I know that I haven't been the ideal daughter. And it kills me to tell you that I never tried my best. Not even enough. You know it already, don’t you?  I am sorry! Sorry for being a pain in the ass whenever I caught a simple cold. I'm sorry for being such a diva and never helping you with chores. I'm sorry for being stubborn and going to bed hungry when you don’t fulfil my whims. I'm sorry for those times I have hurt you. Sorry for the things I have done, and for things that haven't occurred yet.

However, I'm thankful. For everything you have ever done for me. Everything single thing. And I want you to know that I'm changing. I'm learning. And I'm becoming more responsible and mature with each passing day. And I want you to stop worrying about me so much. I know that mothers can't help but worry about their children. That’s part of who they are. But mother, I want you to know that you taught me well. The right and wrong. You made me wiser than most of the people my age will ever be. And its time you went to bed and fall into slumber without worrying whether I'm sleeping in peace. You are old. Yes, you are. You dedicated most of your life to your children. Its high time that you be freed of that burden.

And as I end this letter, I want you to know that I love you more than you could ever imagine. And I miss you more than I could ever express. And some day, mother, I will make you proud of me. Someday soon!

P.S - You did a good job, mother.

Love,

Your (pain in the ass) daughter 

Tuesday, April 15

10 annoying things couples do on Facebook


  1. Always have couple pictures as their profile picture

Okay. So the majority of the 'I am in a relationship people' on Facebook usually have a couple photo as their profile picture. And in not so rare cases a person might have their girl friend or boyfriend's solo picture on their profile. This is misleading and annoying on so many levels. Misleading because the profile they have created resembles a single person, while the profile picture states otherwise. Or the mere fact that it is very unappealing to have a profile picture of a boy under a clear cut girl's Id. It is the same as seeing a picture of Brad pitt on Angelina Jolie's profile. Not such a pretty sight, is it now? What these love nuts really need to do is operate under a couple Id. Simple and handy at the same time.

  1. Writing unnecessary cute things on each other's walls

This is like the modern version of love notes. One of the many things couples tend to do when they are caught up in the so called mist of love. When I was in school it was the most horrid thing to have couples in class. Now don’t get me wrong. It was a pleasant sight to have these dim witted people with all gooey eyes staring at each other. But they do this thing where they pass these little paper folds (the so called love notes) across the class to each other. It is more like an annoying and overrated version of passing the secret, only in this case not everyone knows the secret. But now since the invention of Facebook, these love notes suddenly seems to be all over the place. Dumb, silly, cute love notes. Much to my dismay they are mostly copy pasted from Google. Duh! The least they could do is be original. Or at least copy paste a romantic 'Bandhi', 'Raivaru' or 'Lhen ' and be unique. 

  1. Bombarding other people's pictures with personal conversations

Don’t you just hate it when you upload a picture and  two people just ruin it for you by starting a conversation about that tree in the background which reminds them of their first date. Or a status about how you love a certain book becomes a personal war between two people about their opinion on it. Not to mention the endless trait of hearts they leave with each comment. And no matter how tempted you are, you just have to bear with those comments without deleting them since you don’t want to hurt your friends. The dilemma!

  1. 'Own' every picture of their better half

Jack owns <3 Mike owns <3 Luke owns <3 Ezra owns <3. On every damn single picture. I don't know why it annoys me, but it does. And I bet my ass that most of the people who use it doesn’t even know what it really means. I know, reality hits hard.

  1. Constantly fraping each other
Now, imagine that awesome moment when you see a sassy status update on your news feed. Literally everybody is going gaga over it. Commenting, liking, blah blah. But only later you know that the person was fraped ( Meaning:) Annoying, right? And with so many people being fraped into declaring their eternal love for Justin Bieber, no wonder that brat still has his head up his ass. I personally blame the couples on Facebook for catastrophe's as such.

  1. Those annoying meaningless life events

October 31 - He looked at me for the first time. November 1 - He smiled at me. November 2 - He said Hi. November 3 - Realized my undying love for him. November 4 - In a relationship with (insert name). November 5 - Got engaged to (insert name). November 6 - Got pregnant. November 7 - Got married to (insert name). You basically know what I'm trying to say, right? *sigh*

  1. Always writing 'With (Insert name)' on their statuses

Did you notice that couples always make use of that 'with' option. It's hilarious and annoying at the same time. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone updates their status saying "Just pooped and on my way back to the room now- with (insert name)". Ahh! May that day never come. Amen.

  1. Over use of the emotion 'Feeling loved'

Aren't couples on Facebook always feeling loved? I wonder if they are really feeling that way or its simply one of many things couples do. Anyhow, its plain annoying and makes me wonder if they are incapable of feeling any other emotion. May be they just don’t realize the fact that we are blessed with uncountable number of synonyms in the English language. Or are they just lazy?
 
  1. PDA oozing out of the pictures

Poses that makes me cringe in shame. Poses that makes me want to throw up. One thing these people don’t understand is that a picture of them hugging as if it’s the end of the world is the last thing I want to see on my news feed every time I log into Facebook. Facebook is not a Porn site. For the love of God have some mercy on the people in your friend lists.

  1. Sharing love songs

Don’t you just wish that the person would randomly lose all their hair each time they shared a song from Ashiqui 2? Or is it just me? I can't emphasize much on this. Such waste of all those awesome songs on YouTube.

Wednesday, April 9

20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20







    To Do Get a job
    To Do Own a pet
    To Do Be fluent in Arabic
    To Do Tie dye my hair red
    To Do Own a dream catcher

    To Do Befriend 20 strangers
    To Do Develop a new Hobby
    To Do Slow dance in the rain
    To Do Overcome my sea phobia
    To Do Send a message in a bottle
    To Do Quit eating Supari and Nuts
    To Do Find love in a hopeless place
    To Do For once be happy with my grades
    To Do Own a 20 pair accessory collection
    To Do Start a 'To Write Love On Her Arms' Project
    To Do Own a guitar and learn how to play it (basic)
    To Do Make an important decision with a coin toss
    To Do Watch the sun rise and sun set on the same day
    To Do Eat a meal with a homeless person in a nice place
    To Do Read 20 books and leave an inspirational quote in each

Friday, March 7

Dear Diary

Earlier this week while cleaning my cupboard when I came across my Journal. Though I terribly failed at keeping a journal, there were pretty amazing experiences that I actually kept account of. Details about events, experiences and feelings that  I don't even remember now were scribbled in the most organized organized manner. Its was more like reading a life story. And it was my life story. 
So, here i'm sharing a few random lines from here and there. Not much details. Haha!


Image credits :)


27th FEBRUARY 2012
05:04 pm

Went to orientation session in the morning. It wasn’t that bad. Made some new friends. Too bad they are all doing teaching.
________________________________________________________________

29th FEBRUARY 2012
7:14 pm

Just finished law class and waiting for English class to start. It’s really weird here. I don’t know how long it would take these people in this class to speak to each other. Or at least smile. Am I the only one who is frustrated with all the awkward silence?
__________________________________________________________________

2nd MARCH 2012
5:50 am

Nightmares. Creepy, scary night mares. God! I can't sleep.
___________________________________________________________________


5th MARCH 2012
10:12 am

Just finished reading 'The Notebook'. Better than the movie. I had to hold back a few tears. FYI, the movie didn't even make me remotely close to crying.
________________________________________________________________

8th MARCH 2012
3:17 am

Boring night. Ended up watching Pirates of the carribean. Again!  Jonny Dep <3

Ps: "Me, I'm a dishonest man. And for a dishonest man you can always predict to be dishonest. It’s the honest ones that you really need to look out for. You never know when they will do something really… stupid" Just had to share it. Love that dialogue.
_________________________________________________________________


10th MARCH 2012
11:20 pm

Bought new shoes tonight. It matches perfectly with my brown blazer.
_________________________________________________________________

 14th MARCH 2012
7:21 pm

What on earth happened just now? Okay. He smiled. He even tried to make a conversation. I could see that he was trying to fight through his shyness. But what did I do? Absolutely nothing. I even declared not to sit with him. I mean, who does that? Well, apparently I do. Why do I have to be so mean? And rude!

Ps: Okay. Stop thinking about stupid stuff and for the love of god try to study something, you dumb as a sack of potato.
__________________________________________________________________

17th MARCH 2012
4:24 pm

I miss Missy. He called last night. It was awesome to hear him talk. And yes, he no longer blabbers over the phone. Oh how I wish I was there to see him grow.
___________________________________________________________________


2nd APRIL 2012
12:25 am

Went to hulhumale' yesterday with him and bunch of classmates. Ate ice-cream so peacefully in my own way after so many days. Loved it. And guess what? He looks really hot in shorts. Like smoking hot. Could barely keep my eyes off his legs.
__________________________________________________________________



11th APRIL 2012
10:21 pm

Today was a chaos. Had classes at 1 in the afternoon. Unfortunately, the class winded up quickly due to the Tsunami Alert. Everything is back to normal. Thank you God!
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19th APRIL 2012
5:40 pm

Sometimes in life you lose everything. You feel so lonely. Life sucks. You feel like you're torn inside. And nobody can mend you.

Ps: I feel so frustrated.
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24th APRIL 2012
11:34 pm

Rainy day. Roads were filled with water and it was a fun sight to watch. Walked home just to get into the muddy puddles. Had fun.

Ps: I know it hurts him to see me happy.
__________________________________________________________________

30th APRIL 2012
6:01 pm

Tip, tap of the rain. The flickering lights in the hallway. The dry shredded leaves in the pots. Leaves falling from the tree. In slow motion. Dancing to the tune of the wind.

What the fuck am I writing?
__________________________________________________________________

12th MAY 2012
11:08 am

I think I might be suffering from Insomnia. Barely slept last night.
___________________________________________________________________


22nd MAY 2012
6:36 pm

Sitting alone and listening to music. Most probably looking like a loner right now. And this cat is scaring the shit outta me. Go away you nasty looking cat. May be its just hungry.
________________________________________________________________________


23rd MAY 2012
06:05 pm

I'm in law class. Scored highest in last exam. He got the lowest mark. Definitely nothing to be happy about.
___________________________________________________________________


24th MAY 2012
10:17 am

I'm stuck here. He offered me a ride home. I refused. Why do I have to be so prude and uptight all the time?
________________________________________________________________________

1st AUGUST 2012
11:03 pm

Had an awesome bus ride today. Met this awesome bus conductor who actually was a lady. GO LADIES, GO LADIES.
__________________________________________________________________

7th AUGUST 2012
11:00 pm

12 days for my birthday. Can hardly wait. Gonna be a Legal Adult.
_________________________________________________________________

9th DECEMBER 2012
1:17 am

End of years is definitly the best time. I know the spelling of definitely is incorrect. But who cares.

Ps: My phone is dead.
__________________________________________________________________


21st MARCH 2013

2:38 am

I'm not sleepy. I can't sleep. Don’t know why. Duh! May be because I slept until late the other day. Just found a cockroach in my room. Please don’t fly. Please don’t.

Ps: I killed it with a broom. I was quite the tragedy. 
__________________________________________________________________


8th AUGUST 2013
5:44 pm

Are soul mates really real? Fuck NO! Don’t let anyone change your mind. They are not REAL. Okay.


                                                                                                                                         
                                                                                                                                                        

Monday, February 17

3 MONTHS & 17 DAYS


I remember you

I remember the time we first met
You were the complete opposite of me
Always so calm, collected and focused
You showed me hope and promised of escape
Vowing to care for me, when no one else would

And you did indeed

The harder I cried, the more determined you were
The louder I screamed, the harder you worked
The longer I tried to shut you out, the easier you found your way back in
And despite the fact that you hurt me, suppressed me or overpowered me
You were the one, the only one who understood my curious dependency

 I still dream of you

I dream of our nights in
The times I have let you shred my skin piece by piece
Then watch beads of scarlet drip off my brown skin
That beautiful red colour that I'm addicted to
Moments as such, where I knew I was in love with you

 But you deceived me

The same hands that’s once led with caution
Soon drove with purpose and comprehension
You became stronger, angrier and all the more reckless
Demanding time and attention I could hardly devote
Reminding me of the same hope and escape that never failed to drew me in

 You God damned bastard

I begged you for mercy, cries of which you paid no heed to
Night after night, you were there, touching my arms, my legs
Making sure I was doing it right, that I don’t mess up
And when I did, you would punish me by disclosing glimpses of what you did
Shoving in my face that nobody cared enough to give a fuck

I mastered the art

You trained me so damn well
The art of laughter, plastic smiles and compulsive lies
You taught me not to bat my lashes every time someone cried for help
And to put in the headphones as soon as someone opened their blistered little mouth
It was you who distorted my reality, you who blinded my vision

 Now, 3 months and 17 days clean

Here I am
Hoping to survive one more day without you



Tuesday, November 5

HIS CURSE





There he stood alone
A savage, a warrior, a charmer, an adventurer; he was all those
But the only of his kind

He walked about for many centuries alone
Many beautiful women had come and gone, but none did ever stay
They fought for him, went too far for him
Even baved the depths of many hells for him

And at times, he did the same
But in return he has nothing to show for it
Only scars and emptyness
For his loyalty has never been returned

In all his years he has walked this world alone
A saviour rejected time and time again
Still he came through even when not wanted
Yet, not a thanks has he ever heard

He longs to leave the world he has grown to resent
But he cannot leave it behind
For defending ungrateful people seems to be his curse

Sunday, November 3

I AM BUT A GIRL, NOTHING MORE


I am drowning in the darkness in my heart
Lost to the confusion of having to be strong when I feel so weak
So helpless and alone through it all
I need a hand in mine to guide me forward
To show me that through all my pain I will matter still
For now I find myself with tears pouring down my cheeks
I cannot find the strength tonight to find a smile
I do as I always have and wear the mask of contentment
Too many need me to be there for them and I fear I have none at times
People think they know me but they have no idea of the truth
I can smile when the world falls around me 
But tonight as the dust settles, I sink to my knees
I am tired
Tired of having to be something I fear I am not
The walls I have so painstakingly built around me for so long lies in ruins
I do not feel I can build them again without the help of those who give me their love
To stand alone brings me safety but insecurity within my heart
I shall try to be who they wish me to be for it is not who I myself see in the mirror
I am a ghost, a player in a game I do not wish to be in
Yet like a prisoner trapped within their very mind
I know no other way to survive
If you see me and you know the look I wear is not my own
I beg thee, pull me back and save me
I do not wish to be anything more than who I am 
Who I am supposed to be 
I am but a girl, nothing more and I break so easily