20 Things To Do Before I Turn 20

 Get a job
 Own a pet
 Be fluent in Arabic
 Tie dye my hair red
 Own a dream catcher

 Befriend 20 strangers
 Develop a new Hobby
 Slow dance in the rain
 Overcome my sea phobia
 Send a message in a bottle
 Quit eating Supari and Nuts
 Find love in a hopeless place
 For once be happy with my grades
 Own a 20 pair accessory collection
 Start a 'To Write Love On Her Arms' Project
 Own a guitar and learn how to play it (basic)
 Make an important decision with a coin toss
 Watch the sun rise and sun set on the same day
 Eat a meal with a homeless person in a nice place
 Read 20 books and leave an inspirational quote in each

Dear Diary

Earlier this week while cleaning my cupboard when I came across my Journal. Though I terribly failed at keeping a journal, there were pretty amazing experiences that I actually kept account of. Details about events, experiences and feelings that  I don't even remember now were scribbled in the most organized organized manner. Its was more like reading a life story. And it was my life story. 

So, here i'm sharing a few random lines from here and there. Not much details. Haha!

Image credits :)

27^th FEBRUARY 2012

05:04 pm

Went to orientation session in the morning. It wasn’t that bad. Made some new friends. Too bad they are all doing teaching.

________________________________________________________________

29^th FEBRUARY 2012

7:14 pm

Just finished law class and waiting for English class to start. It’s really weird here. I don’t know how long it would take these people in this class to speak to each other. Or at least smile. Am I the only one who is frustrated with all the awkward silence?

__________________________________________________________________

2^nd MARCH 2012

5:50 am

Nightmares. Creepy, scary night mares. God! I can't sleep.

___________________________________________________________________

5^th MARCH 2012

10:12 am

Just finished reading 'The Notebook'. Better than the movie. I had to hold back a few tears. FYI, the movie didn't even make me remotely close to crying.

________________________________________________________________

8^th MARCH 2012

3:17 am

Boring night. Ended up watching Pirates of the carribean. Again!  Jonny Dep <3

Ps: "Me, I'm a dishonest man. And for a dishonest man you can always predict to be dishonest. It’s the honest ones that you really need to look out for. You never know when they will do something really… stupid" Just had to share it. Love that dialogue.

_________________________________________________________________

10^th MARCH 2012

11:20 pm

Bought new shoes tonight. It matches perfectly with my brown blazer.

_________________________________________________________________

 14^th MARCH 2012

7:21 pm

What on earth happened just now? Okay. He smiled. He even tried to make a conversation. I could see that he was trying to fight through his shyness. But what did I do? Absolutely nothing. I even declared not to sit with him. I mean, who does that? Well, apparently I do. Why do I have to be so mean? And rude!

Ps: Okay. Stop thinking about stupid stuff and for the love of god try to study something, you dumb as a sack of potato.

__________________________________________________________________

17^th MARCH 2012

4:24 pm

I miss Missy. He called last night. It was awesome to hear him talk. And yes, he no longer blabbers over the phone. Oh how I wish I was there to see him grow.

___________________________________________________________________

2^nd APRIL 2012

12:25 am

Went to hulhumale' yesterday with him and bunch of classmates. Ate ice-cream so peacefully in my own way after so many days. Loved it. And guess what? He looks really hot in shorts. Like smoking hot. Could barely keep my eyes off his legs.

__________________________________________________________________

11^th APRIL 2012

10:21 pm

Today was a chaos. Had classes at 1 in the afternoon. Unfortunately, the class winded up quickly due to the Tsunami Alert. Everything is back to normal. Thank you God!

__________________________________________________________________

19^th APRIL 2012

5:40 pm

Sometimes in life you lose everything. You feel so lonely. Life sucks. You feel like you're torn inside. And nobody can mend you.

Ps: I feel so frustrated.

___________________________________________________________________

24^th APRIL 2012

11:34 pm

Rainy day. Roads were filled with water and it was a fun sight to watch. Walked home just to get into the muddy puddles. Had fun.

Ps: I know it hurts him to see me happy.

__________________________________________________________________

30^th APRIL 2012

6:01 pm

Tip, tap of the rain. The flickering lights in the hallway. The dry shredded leaves in the pots. Leaves falling from the tree. In slow motion. Dancing to the tune of the wind.

What the fuck am I writing?

__________________________________________________________________

12^th MAY 2012

11:08 am

I think I might be suffering from Insomnia. Barely slept last night.

___________________________________________________________________

22^nd MAY 2012

6:36 pm

Sitting alone and listening to music. Most probably looking like a loner right now. And this cat is scaring the shit outta me. Go away you nasty looking cat. May be its just hungry.

________________________________________________________________________

23^rd MAY 2012

06:05 pm

I'm in law class. Scored highest in last exam. He got the lowest mark. Definitely nothing to be happy about.

___________________________________________________________________

24^th MAY 2012

10:17 am

I'm stuck here. He offered me a ride home. I refused. Why do I have to be so prude and uptight all the time?

________________________________________________________________________

1^st AUGUST 2012

11:03 pm

Had an awesome bus ride today. Met this awesome bus conductor who actually was a lady. GO LADIES, GO LADIES.

__________________________________________________________________

7^th AUGUST 2012

11:00 pm

12 days for my birthday. Can hardly wait. Gonna be a Legal Adult.

_________________________________________________________________

9^th DECEMBER 2012

1:17 am

End of years is definitly the best time. I know the spelling of definitely is incorrect. But who cares.

Ps: My phone is dead.

__________________________________________________________________

21^st MARCH 2013

2:38 am

I'm not sleepy. I can't sleep. Don’t know why. Duh! May be because I slept until late the other day. Just found a cockroach in my room. Please don’t fly. Please don’t.

Ps: I killed it with a broom. I was quite the tragedy. 

__________________________________________________________________

8^th AUGUST 2013

5:44 pm

Are soul mates really real? Fuck NO! Don’t let anyone change your mind. They are not REAL. Okay.

                                                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                                                        

3 MONTHS & 17 DAYS

I remember you

I remember the time we first met

You were the complete opposite of me

Always so calm, collected and focused

You showed me hope and promised of escape

Vowing to care for me, when no one else would

And you did indeed

The harder I cried, the more determined you were

The louder I screamed, the harder you worked

The longer I tried to shut you out, the easier you found your way back in

And despite the fact that you hurt me, suppressed me or overpowered me

You were the one, the only one who understood my curious dependency

 I still dream of you

I dream of our nights in

The times I have let you shred my skin piece by piece

Then watch beads of scarlet drip off my brown skin

That beautiful red colour that I'm addicted to

Moments as such, where I knew I was in love with you

 But you deceived me

The same hands that’s once led with caution

Soon drove with purpose and comprehension

You became stronger, angrier and all the more reckless

Demanding time and attention I could hardly devote

Reminding me of the same hope and escape that never failed to drew me in

 You God damned bastard

I begged you for mercy, cries of which you paid no heed to

Night after night, you were there, touching my arms, my legs

Making sure I was doing it right, that I don’t mess up

And when I did, you would punish me by disclosing glimpses of what you did

Shoving in my face that nobody cared enough to give a fuck

I mastered the art

You trained me so damn well

The art of laughter, plastic smiles and compulsive lies

You taught me not to bat my lashes every time someone cried for help

And to put in the headphones as soon as someone opened their blistered little mouth

It was you who distorted my reality, you who blinded my vision

 Now, 3 months and 17 days clean

Here I am

Hoping to survive one more day without you

HIS CURSE

There he stood alone

A savage, a warrior, a charmer, an adventurer; he was all those

But the only of his kind

He walked about for many centuries alone

Many beautiful women had come and gone, but none did ever stay

They fought for him, went too far for him

Even baved the depths of many hells for him

And at times, he did the same

But in return he has nothing to show for it

Only scars and emptyness

For his loyalty has never been returned

In all his years he has walked this world alone

A saviour rejected time and time again

Still he came through even when not wanted

Yet, not a thanks has he ever heard

He longs to leave the world he has grown to resent

But he cannot leave it behind

For defending ungrateful people seems to be his curse

I AM BUT A GIRL, NOTHING MORE

I am drowning in the darkness in my heart

Lost to the confusion of having to be strong when I feel so weak

So helpless and alone through it all

I need a hand in mine to guide me forward

To show me that through all my pain I will matter still

For now I find myself with tears pouring down my cheeks

I cannot find the strength tonight to find a smile

I do as I always have and wear the mask of contentment

Too many need me to be there for them and I fear I have none at times

People think they know me but they have no idea of the truth

I can smile when the world falls around me 

But tonight as the dust settles, I sink to my knees

I am tired

Tired of having to be something I fear I am not

The walls I have so painstakingly built around me for so long lies in ruins

I do not feel I can build them again without the help of those who give me their love

To stand alone brings me safety but insecurity within my heart

I shall try to be who they wish me to be for it is not who I myself see in the mirror

I am a ghost, a player in a game I do not wish to be in

Yet like a prisoner trapped within their very mind

I know no other way to survive

If you see me and you know the look I wear is not my own

I beg thee, pull me back and save me

I do not wish to be anything more than who I am 

Who I am supposed to be 

I am but a girl, nothing more and I break so easily

Six obnoxious dupes you will encounter in every law class

I have recently started second semester at Maldives National University (MNU) as a first year law student. And to be back after spending over a month, in my home land makes me gloomy. Nevertheless, I’m all set and prepped up for this semester. Motivation level is currently at peak and procrastination is still in hibernation.

Having met some old classmates and teachers I always get posed with questions about my studies, friends, lifestyle, etc. And every so often, I get asked about the learning environment here at the University and the lecturer’s. That’s the easy part. However, when asked about my fellow classmates I get stumped. I mean hypothetically it’s a vast topic and I can present you with pre-designed pie charts and research findings if that’s what you are looking for. But expecting a one word answers like ‘Awesome’, ‘Cool’, ‘Boring’ would be simply unjust to their whole being.

So let me get started. In a typical law class I attend, there are around 20-30 students, most of them who stick to the same class schedule as me. Yet in some classes I might spot new faces. And like the 12 zodiac personalities, every law class consists of students with distinctive moral fibre. I personally classify them into 6 categories.

Mr Know-it-all

You know the type. They are a God’s gift to law school; every word out of their mouth is gold. Their hands are always up in the air and mouths are wide open. Always waiting and ready for a moment to talk. They always come up with the rarest and weirdest ‘Did you know facts’ that will stun you. Going to office, keeping up with the current affairs of the world, talking the ear off anyone who will listen about their theories of justice and bragging about almost everything is the typical picture of the Mr Know-it-all.

                                                                      Image by :)

The silently overconfident overachiever

This person will just sit back, absorb the scene, then do what most of us have always done in school – cram for exams and get straight A’s. However, cramming is rarely the winning strategy for Law school. These overachiever’s at times work wonders but very so often they get away with just a pass.

The bundle of nerves

Where the overconfident overachiever is calm and collected, these people are a walking disaster. The thought of being called on makes them hyperventilate. They can barely focus in class because they’re so paranoid about saying something stupid. Just by looking at them can make you feel exhausted and mentally drained. Never sit with them. Never!!! They can definitely pass their anxiety cooties on you. These people actually make you curious as to what it will be really like if they actually graduate and become Lawyers. The horror!!

The Good Girl.

They are the teacher’s pet. They persistently do every assignment and attend every class. They believe every word that comes out of the lecturer’s mouth (literally). They sit at the front row, thoroughly taking notes. Always taking notes. Literally, the pen never stops. Not even when the lecturer is sharing some heart to heart stories about his/her childhood. What the hell are they thinking? Writing that down too?

The ideas guy.

People who fall under this category have an insatiable thirst for knowledge, and love learning the law. Except they are just always so frustrated about the already existing doctrines and rules. They just always want to invent something new, something creative. The ideas are exciting and fresh too. But sometimes, it’s just too overwhelming. If it were up to them, these people might not think twice before changing the already existing judgements. They are just so full of ideas and opinions that it can’t be helped.

The slacker.

Every class has a few slackers. Instead of going to the law library, the slacker goes home to play video games, tweet and chat on Facebook. However, the annoying thing about the slacker is that they are going to do better than you expect. I don’t know how they do it. But, they just do. May be Magic?

Then there are people who don’t fall into any of the six categories. The Normal people. And lemme tell you this. These so called normal people are very very rare, just like unicorns ;)

Hold your head up high princess, and don’t let that crown fall

It is never an easy task to move on. Specially, if your heart is still willing to hold on. I know, the Heart is one hell of a organ. Making you do things that you clearly know will never end too well. Swelling up your head with false hopes and dreams and re-framing them again and again every time they shatter.

But sometimes you have to fight these sentiments. Push back those emotions some where they won't be in charge of your life and your decisions .Because at some point you will have to let go. If not, you will never be able to feel the joy of life again.

So take a deep breath. Place your hand over your heart. Just clear your mind and feel it. And remind yourself that you are alive for reason. Don’t give up on life that easy.

Heart broken? Listen to some depressing music and cry your heart out. Cry so much that you could probably fill a the house like Alice did. Eat what ever you want, eat a lot of it. I'm sure you will still look beautiful
 the next day. Play music really loud and dance and sing on the top of your lungs.  Bury yourself in your comforter and relax. Take out you best PJ's and have a girls night in. Smile. Smile at strangers.  Smile when you see your self in the mirror, take pictures. Go for a walk and show your beautiful smiling face and make him wish he never said good bye.

And don’t EVER regret anything. As teenage love, its more like a roller coaster. It's cliché but so true at the same time. Getting really excited to hear his voice. That moment where your heart stops when you finally have the guts to tell him you like him too. Thinking about his every feature and every moment you both spend together. Never being able to explain that first kiss; too good to be true. The fights, screams and yells where your whole body feels weak, with your heart hanging heavily. Falling asleep crying, thinking that nothing could be worse, feeling like you have hit rock bottom. Yet you should be thankful to have the ability to feel that hurt, that you found that someone who could actually make you feel that way. For some people its too late… because in those years that we have, where we laugh and cry, we learn to love and be strong. Don't built up these walls too early, since it will only make you feel  hollow inside later on. And don’t take these years for granted as you will never get them back. And possibly never feel the same again. 

So experience. Dream. Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut. Accept the fact that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need, and know when to hold on and to let go. Love hard and love without reservation. Open yourself to possibility. Own your reality without apology. Be bold. Be fierce. Be wild, crazy ad gloriously free. Be you. And always hold your head up high, and don’t let that crown on your head fall. Because you are a princess, and always will be. You just haven't met your prince on a white horse YET :)

Ps - My very first post of 2013. Yep… Its feels awesome to be out here again. This post is dedicated to my darling Blossom ( you know who you are ;) ). Thank you for inspiring me to write again.